I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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