Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize