My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
