so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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