Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I fill condoms, not promises.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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