i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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