never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
