Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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