I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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