I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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