i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
