you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
