oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
