Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
