The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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