Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
