Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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