just tell him i said nine months
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
