96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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