I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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