shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize