My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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