Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
