I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
