Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
