I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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