i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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