I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
we're so committed to being not committed
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
