Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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