I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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