If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
