it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
