Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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