A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Randomize
