Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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