he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
