tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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