I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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