Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
