for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
