I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
