a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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