I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
