I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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