today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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