PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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