This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
