its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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