I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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