I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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