Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
