the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize