dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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