i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i came on her dog
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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