You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
