Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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