He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
