a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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