I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The air taste purple.
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