Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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