The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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