We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
