i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
