GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I don't deserve a penis
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
