Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
