Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
