Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
