I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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