I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
