I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
