I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
that is very illegal...i love you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
