I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize