i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
