In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
