JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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