I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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