Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
