I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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