our cab driver is having phone sex.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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