DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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