its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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