OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
