My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize