fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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